I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
