my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
