My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
