Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
