if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
