Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
