One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
