Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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