I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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