You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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