I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize