Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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