I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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