Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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