pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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