im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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