Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize