Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
