I will die if light touches me.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
