Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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