i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
