listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
