My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
