Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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