Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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