i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
