Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
