He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
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