dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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