What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
