i need an iv and a liver transplant
hell yes lets make some ravioli
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
