another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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