I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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