im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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