I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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