Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Randomize
