Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Randomize
