I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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