i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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