did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
