i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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