i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
