the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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