I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize