that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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