she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
