Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
