The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize