Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
