I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize