hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
