My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
