Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
whose parrot is this?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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