i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
