Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
