Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
