Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize