I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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