And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
